Ride Pig Who the hell comes up with these “Things to do before you die” lists. Swim with dolphins? Spend New Years Eve in Times Square? Stay out dancing all night? You have got to be kidding me with that crap. I figured I could find better, so I took to the streets and asked six fascinating folks from different walks of life to create their own lists of Ten Things everyone should get done before they kick off. We hope you’ll take some of them into consideration and begin living life to its fullest!

Sherbie Copes
Sherbie Copes – Caricaturist
  1. Carve a shiv out of soap

  2. Heckle the Dalai Lama

  3. Make them pay for what they’ve done

  4. Steal from a homeless person

  5. Fail to ask a woman out because of gnawing fear

  6. Point a rifle at someone you love

  7. Shout at a foreign waiter

  8. Cheat in a marathon

  9. Visit Te Awamutu (Wherever the F*** that is)

  10. Look into a child’s eyes and see the despair of a thousand generations reflected there

Susanna Hardnotch
Susanna Hardnotch - Janitor
  1. Snort cocaine off the hood of a car

  2. Purposely spill hot coffee on your groin and sue

  3. Become frustrated with an illiterate

  4. Buy a guitar and never really attempt to learn to play it

  5. Play a portable video game at a concentration camp

  6. Expose yourself on live national television

  7. Throw something of value into the crater of a volcano

  8. Gleefully cut down a very old tree

  9. Stand next to the speakers at a rock concert

  10. Enjoy being deaf now, you goddamned idiot

Francis James
Francis James - Production Manager
  1. Make a disparaging remark about the Irish, and mean it

  2. Kill and eat an endangered animal

  3. Smear feces across the hood of a brand new Corvette

  4. Feign illness

  5. Get married and before you’re old enough to know what you truly want

  6. Get divorced (Can’t say I didn’t warn you)

  7. Swear deliberately in the presence of a clergyman

  8. Watch the Super Bowl and pretend not to be bored

  9. Heave urine-filled beach balls from a hot air balloon

  10. Take mushrooms and wander wide-eyed through a casino

Wow, wasn't that beautiful? Sometimes it just takes someone outside of your life to really make you say "Huh, I don't care, thanks for wasting my time." Make sure to also keep an eye out for Part 2 of this series, coming sometime to somewhere. Nobody cares.

Alright, here is PART 2.