Open on the interior of a small log cabin. MA is at the stove, stirring a large steaming pot. APRIL lies on one of the beds reading a book. The front door bangs open and snow billows in as PA enters, wearing his polarbear-skin coat and carrying an armful of wood. His beard is caked in ice.
PA: I'm home! I brought this wood I chopped for the fireplace. Boy oh boy, a man could freeze to death out there! Life sure is hard in the old frontier times.
MA: You said it! I've been slaving over this wood stove for thirteen hours just to make us a tasty meat pie for dinner. Luckily I'm almost done.
There are two things of which I am
certain. The first: Death awaits us all. The second: The majority of
human beings will end up saying at least a couple of words within their
lifetime. When examined individually, neither of these events seems
significant. A guy drops dead in front of you? Eh, big deal. It was
bound to happen sooner or later. You hear someone speak? So what. Not
surprising at all. Well, unless you're deaf. Then it'd probably be
pretty shocking. Well, unless you're a deaf schizophrenic. Then you
might not be too shocked by a disembodied voice.
Although...what if you were a
schizophrenic who's been deaf since birth? Then you wouldn't even know
what human speech sounds like. So if the voice of, say, Micheal Landon
popped into your head one morning and started shouting things like
"Chew on that baby's arm!" "Start a fire in the public library!" "Those
dogs are laughing at you!" "Masturbate into an aquarium!" it would
probably just sound like "Blaguhblagublah!". Also you wouldn't even
know it was the voice of the dreamy-eyed heartthrob who played "Pa" on
Little House on The Prairie and "Teenager Who Gets Turned Into a
Werewolf" in I Was A Teenage Werewolf you were hearing, so the fear you
feel wouldn't even be mitigated by the fond childhood memories that
would've normally been conjured-up upon hearing said voice. Anyway,
just some food for
Celebrity last words!
We are all of us haunted by demons. Most of these demons are trivial,
figurative demons (like self-doubt or chronic alcoholism), but
this is not the only type of demon. No, there also exists a
significantly less benign demon: Evil spirits who seize control
of our bodies and bend them to the Archfiend's will.
This guide is concerned with only the latter type of demon, so those of you who've come here seeking advice on how to overcome personal demons (like a fear of flying, compulsive overeating, or the fact that Sixpence None The Richer's 1998 hit single "Kiss Me" has inexplicably been playing on a loop in your head for the past fifteen years) would do well to look elsewhere for assistance because this guide only covers demons of the supernatural variety.
So less "Doctor Phil" and more "Sweet little girls hefting grown men over their heads and tossing them through
plateglass windows, middle-aged men
scrawling glyphs upon the walls in their own excrement while gibbering
in elder tongues, and kindly old grandmothers scuttling into your room late at night on dislocated limbs and unhinging their jaws to disgorge huge clouds of bees that swarm down your throat and eventually you choke to death on them because who could even breathe through all those bees?".
Nobody, that's who.
I awoke to
the aroma of freshly-ground coffee. I could tell it was expensive
coffee due to the way it smelled: Expensive. It made sense, of course.
Only the finest coffees would be permitted in the mansion of
infamously-handsome sex playboy Rick Mexico. I let out a sigh and began
to reminisce about the countless acts of debauchery the two of is had
engaged in the night before, but a sudden knock at the door jarred me
from my reverie. The door swung open, and a small wrinkled Cuban
hobbled in, clutching a tray of erotic breakfasting materials.
Eats!" I cried, greedily rubbing my hands together before seizing
several handfuls of what I took to be vagina-shaped pastries. As what
shoved these into my mouth, Rick strode through the door.
morning beautiful" he grinned, his teeth flashing like some diamonds
someone was shining an LED flashlight onto, "I see you're enjoying
Koko's novelty baked goods."
Summer: We all know it's a season, but what some of us may not realize
is that with it comes the threat of deadly tornadoes. These whirling
dervishes of destruction may seem cute and cuddly at first, but rest
assured: They're no laughing matter. Unlike other types of weather, a
tornado has little regard for local ordinances prohibiting wanton
property damage. Sure, scattered flurries can be bothersome, but when's
the last time a scattered flurry flung your doghouse into a nearby lake
and impaled your great uncle with a gardening implement? That's right:
Never. A scattered flurry has never done that because unlike tornadoes,
scattered flurries aren't gigantic weather assholes.
So what can you do to survive an encounter with one of these godless,
swirling deathtubes? Well, for a start, you can read the rest of this
article for some juicy tornado survival tips.
In this chaotic, advertorial, multibranded world of ours, it can be
difficult to know precisely how much value one is actually
getting for one's money. The best solution to this problem is to
carefully research your purchases beforehand, but this can take time
and effort, and it's not half as much fun or easy as just buying
whatever seems the neatest.
The other alternative is to rely on idiotic folk wisdom like "you
get what you pay for". But of course, whenever any reasonably wealthy
person follows "you get what you pay for" to its logical conclusion
they end up buying German cars, $7 bags of "organic" corn chips, and eight thousand dollar sets of Bose speakers simply because these were the most expensive options available to them at the time.
Anyway, here's a bunch of entertainingly-overpriced crap.
I took a deep breath, rang the doorbell, and smoothed out my skirt.
This was it. I was about to meet the man of my dreams.
The door opened, revealing an extraordinarily handsome man in a white
leather three piece suit. He extended his hand, "Hello, I'm eccentric
billionaire Rick Mexico. I made my fortune by being successful in big
business. I'm looking for a sexually-active woman with whom I can share
my material and emotional riches. Won't you come in?"
"Pleased to meet you, Mr. Mexico," I said, stepping into the foyer and
fanning my brow with an ornate Asian fan, "You'll have to forgive me
for not returning your handshake, but your masculine jawline has my
heart fluttering like the pages of a butterfly book."
"You're not so bad yourself, sweet cheeks." He laughed a meaty laugh, and his eyes began scanning my body like a pair searchlights on a big city skyscraper.
To whom it may concern,
I know letters like this are a dime a dozen, but I hope you’ll hear me
out, because I've got an axe to grind, and I'm afraid I can't just let
sleeping dogs lie. I know what you're thinking: My advice is about as
welcome as a skunk at a lawn party. If it's not one thing, it's
another! But make no bones about it, there's a method to my madness,
and once the cat is out of the bag, you'll be thanking your lucky stars
that I got down to brass tacks instead of fudging and mudging like a
lost dog in high weeds. So let's run this up the flagpole and see who
It's no secret that I'm a something of a "lady's man". Any time I leave
the house, an all-female sex riot never fails to break-out. Elderly
women whip flashdrives filled with homemade pornography at me from
passing senior citizen mobility buses, and young girls fling themselves
nude and shrieking from suspension bridges and balconies in the hopes
of attracting just a moment of my attention.
Frankly, most of the time all I
need to do is raise my thumb and aim my index finger at a woman as if
I'm preparing to fire an imaginary flintlock pistol, and a woman'll have
torn her clothes off and tackled me before I am even able to pretend to
pull the imaginary trigger, causing the imaginary flint to strike the
imaginary frizzen and ignite the imaginary gunpowder and
propelling an imaginary lovebullet into her heart (causing her to fall
deeply in love with me).
Of course this is not always
the case. On occasion, I do come across women who (for
whatever reason: blindness, foolishness, lesbianism) don't immediately
realize how utterly captivating I am. Women like these always require a
bit of convincing before they'll begin demanding sex from me.
Fortunately, this process is not overly complex or difficult, provided
you know all the right things to say (which of course, I do). And
Double-Fortunately, I'm more than happy to share some of these "right
things" (great pickup lines) with you.
And please, there's no need to thank me. I don't perform public
services like these for accolades. A good deed is its own reward.
Tell me, friend: Are you BORED of traditional poetry? Have you grown TIRED of
rhyme, meter, and verse? Do you sometimes FLY into howling rages and
embark upon methamphetamine-fueled, multistate child-disembowelment sprees upon
discovering poetry books on your bookshelf? If so, then listen closely,
because I'm about to share a revolutionary, lifechanging product that
will blow your mind through the top of your skull and into low-earth
orbit where it shall remain until The Great Wild Goddess of Orbital
Decay swats it out of the sky like some cheap Soviet satellite.
What if I told that written poetry was on its way out? What if I told
you you there was another way to enjoy poetry? What if I told you that
instead of READING words arranged on a page, you could rip a poem open,
hollow it out, and wriggle INSIDE of it in order to literally
EXPERIENCE the thoughts and emotions of its author?
If you're like most people, you'll almost certainly respond to these
questions by screaming until your father runs into the room wielding a
fire poker and bellows, "Sweet Christ! How the hell did you get into
our house?! Answer me! ANSWER ME YOU SON OF A BITCH! Cheryl?...CHERYL!
Call the police! There's a goddamn MANIAC in Katie's room! Jesus God,
That, or you'll just ask me to explain what I'm talking about. For simplicity's sake, I'm just gonna go ahead and assume you've asked the latter question so I can get started.