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“Should I Buy Fireball Island” Flowchart

 

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THE BIGGEST LITTLE LOG CABIN IN WEREBEAR COUNTY

  Open on the interior of a small log cabin. MA is at the stove, stirring a large steaming pot. APRIL lies on one of the beds reading a book. The front door bangs open and snow billows in as PA enters, wearing his polarbear-skin coat and carrying a small chunk of wood. His beard […]

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CELEBRATING CELEBRITIES: FAMOUS LAST WORDS!

  There are two things of which I am certain. The first is the inevitability of death, and the second is that the majority of human beings will end up saying at least a couple of words within their lifetime. When examined individually, neither of these events seems particularly significant. Death: You’re walking along the […]

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HOW TO BE POSSESSED BY A DEMON

We are all of us haunted by demons. Most of these demons are trivial, figurative demons (like self-doubt or chronic alcoholism), but this is not the only type of demon. No, there also exists a significantly less benign demon: Evil spirits who seize control of our bodies and bend them to the Archfiend’s will. This […]

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LAST TRAIN TO BONE TOWN – CHAPTER 2: BONE VOYAGE

I awoke to the aroma of freshly-ground coffee. I could tell it was expensive coffee due to the way it smelled: Expensive. It made sense, of course. Only the finest coffees would be permitted in the mansion of infamously-handsome sex playboy Rick Mexico. I let out a sigh and began to reminisce about the countless […]

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HOW TO SURVIVE A TORNADO

Summer: We all know it’s a season, but what some of us may not realize is that with it comes the threat of deadly tornadoes. These whirling dervishes of destruction may seem cute and cuddly at first, but rest assured: They’re no laughing matter. Unlike other types of weather, a tornado has little regard for […]

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I INVITE YOU TO WASTE YOUR MONEY ON THESE LAUGHABLY OVERPRICED APPLIANCES

In this chaotic, advertorial, multibranded world of ours, it can be difficult to know precisely how much value one is actually getting for one’s money. The best solution to this problem is to carefully research your purchases beforehand, but this can take time and effort, and it’s not half as much fun or easy as […]

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LAST TRAIN TO BONE TOWN – CHAPTER 1: A GAME OF BONES

  I took a deep breath, rang the doorbell, and smoothed out my skirt. This was it. I was about to meet the man of my dreams. The door opened, revealing an extraordinarily handsome man in a white leather three piece suit. He extended his hand, “Hello, I’m eccentric billionaire Rick Mexico. I made my […]

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10 PICKUP LINES GUARANTEED TO INDUCE WOMEN TO ENGAGE IN CONSENSUAL INTERCOURSE WITH YOU

  It’s no secret that I’m a something of a “lady’s man”. Any time I leave the house, an all-female sex riot never fails to break-out. Elderly women whip flashdrives filled with homemade pornography at me from passing senior citizen mobility buses, and young girls fling themselves nude and shrieking from suspension bridges and balconies […]

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CHOOSE-YOUR-OWN-ADVENTURE: POETRY EDITION: ROBERT FROST EDITION

  Tell me, friend: Are you BORED of traditional poetry? Have you grown TIRED of rhyme, meter, and verse? Do you sometimes FLY into howling rages and embark upon methamphetamine-fueled, multistate child-disembowelment sprees upon discovering poetry books on your bookshelf? If so, then listen closely, because I’m about to share a revolutionary, lifechanging product that […]